I posted a photo of my knivery (it should be a word) skills on Facebook and Twitter which prompted a series of responses on how to properly cut a watermelon, how to buy the thing, what knife to use, and one rather obscene reference to eating the fruit that I won’t repeat.

This is why I’m not usually allowed in the kitchen.

The advice was justified. My wife isn’t always around to do the knife wielding and I eat a LOT of watermelon in the summertime.

My wife knife wielding with the next one we bought.
Notice wife’s  “it’s not that difficult” hand posture of mocking.

Someone (thanks, Laura) provided me with a couple of YouTube videos. This one seemed like it might attract ants…

But, this one seemed more realistic. Sort of.

So, I got the right knife when the next watermelon arrived (wife graciously hauls these from somewhere far away into our home) and dug in – er – cut in.

I probably should’ve started with one that was smaller than the knife. Or my head. But, sometimes planning is overrated. This is all about the execution.


Step 0: Wash the watermelon. That’s not in the video. It’s just a good idea. I’m sure they did that and didn’t film it.

Step 1: Cut off the ends. So far so good… although mine look a little uneven (*insert joke here*).


Step 2: Cut the sides until it looks like a naked pineapple. Or something that should be hanging in a dark back room locker of some meat packing company in one of those small towns you can’t find using a GPS.


This step probably took more time than it should have.
This step probably took more time than it should have.

Step 3: Butcher it however you like into large blocks. THIS I understood.


Step 4: This is where it fell apart. I forgot to do the horizontal sideways slicing, so the chunks were way to large. So, more hacking.


Step 5:  Flip it neatly into a lowered bowl and… whatever. I basically had to use the standard shove and tilt method.


There were casualties.

You may not be able to see the juice running down the cabinet, but the floor saw it coming. It’s accustomed to things like that when I’m in the kitchen.


The final result was still cut up watermelon and a mess, but if felt good knowing I used a proper method.

I’m thinking “cooking show” may be in my future.