I haven’t written in a while, but there is some important family relationship advice in this post.

We woke up to see a scorpion on the bedroom wall this morning. My wife barely glanced up while I sprang to my feet to find something to mutilate it with. I quickly did an about-face back into bed and looked accusingly at the floor. Jesus. Do they travel in packs or scorpionalia family groups or whatever a mass of their kind is called?  I looked up to make sure it was still on the wall and to see if it was searching around for it’s mate.

I scanned the tan/brown carpet that happened to be the same color as the three inch brown jerkface still clinging to the tan colored wall. Las Vegas home builders like to play cruel jokes.

After I found house slippers that I forgot I owned and that WILL NEVER LEAVE MY FEET AGAIN, my first inclination was to get the vacuum. In my experience it’s the only safe and sane creeper-crawler removal device. But this was a scorpion. Those bastards can probably eat or claw or scare their way out of anything.

My wife, still in bed, nonchalantly looked up at it again , “You’re going to kill it now?”

In my younger years a statement like that may have been grounds for separation, but I’m older and calmer now. “I’m not going to kill it. I’m going to the garage to siphon gasoline from lawn mower to BURN DOWN THE HOUSE.”

She got out of bed to help me.”The lawn mower is electric and we  don’t need to burn down the house… we can simply move.” She’s wise and practical like that. I told her I’d start the packing.

It had attached itself to the wall with it’s little, um, claw feet(?) as if it owned it. She gallantly sucked it up after a couple of  tries. I eyed the hose. “What if it’s clinging to the inside and just crawls out later?” She shook it around violently, I think to humor me, then quickly put the end back on.

And now I’m afraid of the vacuum and my carpet.

More importantly, here is the promised lesson: Establishing separation of duties helps maintain happy familial relationships. My wife and daughter remain the family members who get rid of unwanted critters while my son and I watch from a distance and make snarky remarks.

P.S. I would’ve taken a picture had I not been so discombobulated. Here is the astrological sign for Scorpio instead.

Scorpio Sign